How I might get rich

We all see these emails from some Nigerian princes or something right?

 

 
junk-mail

 

Sometimes i wonder if these things might actually be true. What if right now, as you read this, there is indeed some sleazy, pot bellied, greasy haired mid to top level bank employee in Ghana who is seriously desperate to carry out some NYS style graft and I am his only hope.

What if this is how all the grand corruption cases start? we’re here thinking that there exists some giant mega-cartels orchestrating intricate plots to bleed this country dry yet all it took was an email to some random internet user in another country. What if the EACC is busy combing through numerous bank accounts and financial records trying to find the elusive smoking gun who’s bullet was used to murder out national coffers and all this time the money is sitting with some awkward 20 something year old who had the faith and naivety to send his bank account details to an anonymous person who had a cool story and quoted insanely large figures?

Before anyone bursts my bubble and says “of course not all these are just scams to clean up your bank account” I ask you now my brother/sister how much experience do you have in laundering millions of dollars? I thought so.

This report told us that we (254 youth) were ready to do almost anything just to get financially ahead in life. It wasn’t really ‘news’ per say, if you gave me a weekend in Nairobi with a relatively large drinks tab I’m pretty sure I would have come up with exactly the same findings: with a margin of error of one or two shots of vodka. We are a nation brought up on cries of freedom and “you can be anything you want to be” and then you get your ID and realize that the “anything” has some terms and conditions, chief of which is: *anything that you can afford. And seeing as how our lifestyles are influenced so deeply by well shot and planned music videos, the price tag for happiness seems to have been set pretty high, how many people around you right now do you think would hesitate to go a full 180 on their values for a million bob? a billion? there might even be a few ten thousands here and there, or depending on where you are, 1000 shillings would be a hell lot of incentive.

nigerian-princeBut back to me and Mr. Martine over here, I actually reply to some of my junk mails, maybe because the little gambler in me isn’t enough to play sportpesa but hey, the odds that a man from Kumasi wants to give me a cut of 9.5 million USD and correctly predicting the jackpot winning games are both insanely remote, and this one doesn’t cost me anything but internet time. Plus i always give them my supermarket loyalty card Visa number, if I’m going to swim in the gunk of grand money  I’d rather be doing it while eating those delicious hot dogs and sandwiches as I practice my denial press briefing where i get to blame everyone and their mother for trying to tarnish my good name.

 

junk-mail-2

The bonus mails are these ones from the old ladies/men/otherkin though. At least these ones have a more morally upright backstory: throwing away inheritance is legal no? I imagine the faces of the family as they sit around the lawyers table waiting to hear the execution of their insanely rich aunt’s will and then the executor goes “ladies and gentlemen, according to Mrs Gregor’s last wishes, she has given all her liquid assets to Gmail user MderikoHotstuff254@gmail.com to use to build schools for orphans and shit. The remainder of her estate totaling all her cat collection and porcelain dolls shall be shared out evenly among the rest of you. Thank you any further questions?”

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