In the event of my death…

In the very likely event I do not survive my own death, I hereby give my loved ones permission to utilize my corpse under the following conditions:

a) a series of increasingly morbid pranks, including but not limited to, propping me up with a stick or manipulating my limbs with puppet strings, using me as a projectile via cannon or trebuchet, dropping me from a bridge an onto moving traffic, letting small children find my body under their beds etc.

b) for all and any ‘bro’ related activities, such as minding a spot in a queue, to win a bet, using my death for the explicit purpose of sympathy sex, or if rigour mortis has set in, as a weapon in a bar fight.

c) proper care must be given to my body, and it may not be defaced or mistreated, particularly in the following circumstances:

i) you may not feed any part of my body to any living creature, especially not to monotremes such as a platypus… a mammal who lays eggs? What the shit.

ii) my body may not be used as a surrogate corpse to permanently fake another individual’s demise. I do not appreciate someone else’s death stealing my thunder.

iii) my body may not be modified in anyway, this includes tattoos, piercings or splicing of other animal parts.

iv) all persons of necrophilia tendencies must be kept at least 40 meters from my body at all times. Unless said person is of Beyonce or at least Tyra Banks attractiveness or higher (like a 8.5, or at least an 8)

d) corpse utility expires within 2 weeks of my death or until the odour becomes so unbearable, people begin vomiting, which ever of the two comes first.
At this point, if science is unable to rejuvenate my corpse for re-use, you may donate it to science. However in the likely event that no reasonable medical practitioner will accept my body after the abuse and decay it has suffered you may dispose of my corpse in the following manner(s):

i) cremating the remains and mixing it with either firework powder and/or the ink used to print currency.

ii) if any suitable person in clause C-IV is happy to maintain and make sweet hammer time love to my corpse.

iii) mummify my remains and bury me no less than 2000 meters below sea level with a mining helmet, a box of batteries, and a detailed map to a made up lost city to confuse and upset future archaeologists.


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