The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if
the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even
remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar
of the birthday boy’s choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game
in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven) she’s officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach …
and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
15: Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate
knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex
pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both
waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have
sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey
sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me,
you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox 360. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this
is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the
room, the other being when you are ‘spit roasting’ a woman.