Picture this, a jamaa comes home at 4am pissed off his rocker and staggering like he’s walking inside those kiddie bouncing castles (those things can make even the coolest people look like penguins trying to walk with STIs) anyhu I digress, man-> staggering->home-> and he meets his lovely wife, looking all ready for him with her prized stocking gracing her head, embracing her silky horse hair and rocking an awesome seng’eng’e ni ng”ombe negligee (I call them the secret Victoria should have kept) and she is FURIOUS!!!
But said main character of this story swaggers on into the house and sits on the couch while removing his songs. Wife see’s this plus catching the scent of a foreign female on her man: she flips out: going into full scale Bush on Iraq attack. Screaming and hollering at the man waking up the neighbors and the whole clan to come and see “what this man of hers is doing to her, cheating her out of what he had promised when they got married.”
The commotion goes on for a bit and by this time the mucene neighbors have already gathered to witness the drama: hey who doesn’t love free drama anyways. Mama Boi has already texted her aunt how she “was sure that that marriage wouldn’t last long” and Nafula from door 11 is laughing to herself, she didn’t like this lady anyway, thinking she was the hottest thing to grace that side of Nairobi. Everyone is buzzing and waiting to see what the lady’s next move will be.
Our leading lady is getting more and more infuriated by her hubby’s nonchalance and now has entered full psycho mode, she’s threatening to get the fork with last night’s ugali (yeah hao ni mapunk hivo) and stab this SOB till the stainless steel utensil gets stained with his blood. (I’m bad at these metaphors don’t judge me)
She has followed through with the first of the plan, and gotten the murder weapon, all this time hubby is comfortable: laying his socks out, removing his belt e.t.c. and now everyone is waiting for what happens next.
The room is tense.
Hubby gets up walks majestically (as majestically as he can manage with the copious amounts of alcohol in his body) towards his wife. He grabs her by the shoulders, but not in a threatening way, he holds her tight, tight enough to restrain her from doing anything but continue with her barrage of insults.
He looks at her intensely, so intense is his gaze that she keeps quiet.
The whole room is silent.
He opens his mouth’
Everyone’s waiting to see what he’ll say silently praying that he fucks up and tells her something that will spark off her already blazing rage: bloodbath, imminent.
“Babe, it’s not my fault… don’t blame me I love you and would never do anything to hurt you. Tonight…I was on my way home with chocolate and wine for you ready to spend an amazing night with my wife”
“And why didnt you, you stupid a-hole?? WHY?!!”
“Babe, I was coerced by the devils, they made me do it”
Wife agrees because you know…devils do that nowadays, they just love coercing people into going against their commitments. Hubby gets hug, neighbors don’t see blood, wife serves hubby food and later gives him head.